We can learn how to be better by studying the habits and practices of peace-able persons, peace-making communities, and by studying what has worked to achieve peace between and among persons, individuals and nations.
Cinnie Noble has written books and articles to help persons engage conflict toward reconciliation and peace. Cinnie Noble founded CINERGY® Coaching and is former social worker and lawyer, Cinnie is a certified mediator (C.Med).
At her blog today she shared more than the abbreviated version I'll include below - as you are encouraged to read her presentation fully at her site.
The reality is people on the receiving end are not always ready for an apology – we might still be processing our hurt about what was said or done; we might not be otherwise ready to move on; we might consider the behaviour exhibited as unforgivable. Some have heard too many apologies from the other person for the same behaviours, and feel trust has broken down irreparably. . . . The following set of questions invites you to consider an apology you want to make for something you said or did, and also, one in which another person made an apology to you for something they said or did – but you have not accepted it.
- What is the conflict about – the one for which you want to express an apology? What do you want to apologize for?
- If you were to try out the apology (just in our conversation here as a practice) what would you say to make it ‘right’?
- How might that apology as you expressed it be received by the other person (your answer to the above question)? If you don’t think the apology, as described in the previous question, would be well received what else might you say that might be?
- What actions or words will you use – or not use going forward – that will reflect the sincerity of your apology – something or some things you will change so you won’t contribute to a repeat of the same sort of interaction?
- What dynamic between you and the other person in this scenario make the change(s) you plan challenging? How might you overcome the challenge(s)?
Toward eupan ~
marty alan michelson, ph.d.